Your Complete Discipline Starter Guide
Explore how you can begin to discipline with respect...
Most of us were raised with discipline that relied on shame, fear, and punishment. And while it may have stopped our behaviour in the moment, it didn’t teach us how to manage emotions or repair relationships. It just encouraged us to suppress our feelings.
This guide is the beginning of a different path, one that doesn’t ask you to be perfect, but invites you to be present, curious, and connected. As a dad of two, I began this path in 2018, when our oldest child was born. I stumbled upon a book called “Calm Parents, Happy Kids” by Dr. Laura Markham, and it opened my eyes to a different approach to parenting. In 2020, I created The Dad Vibes to share my views and encourage others to discipline with respect, and over a million followers later, I’m finally taking the time to get my views down on paper and help parents with my comprehensive Discipline Without Damage Toolkit.
Without doubt, discipline has been misunderstood. In many households, “discipline” became synonymous with punishment: yelling, time-outs, spanking, or harsh consequences.
The logic was simple: If a child “feels bad enough,” they won’t repeat the behaviour.
But research shows the opposite. Punishment may suppress behaviour temporarily, but it doesn’t teach skills. Kids often repeat the behaviour, lie to avoid punishment, or internalise shame.
True discipline means to teach.
It comes from the Latin word disciplina, which means learning, instruction, and training.
Discipline without damage isn’t about letting kids “get away” with bad behaviour. It’s about teaching them how to manage emotions, make better choices, and repair mistakes. Yes, this approach to parenting is tiring, exhausting and much more challenging compared with simply yelling, shunning or shaming. But as parents, we’re doing the important work now to better serve our child when they’re older!
Our child’s brain
When our child misbehaves, it’s easy to think that they’re being “naughty”. If this is your go-to line of thinking, during those challenging moments, do your best to remember one thing:
Behaviour is communication!
A tantrum, refusal, or outburst is usually a signal that a child’s emotional brain has taken over; their brain is quite simply... overwhelmed!
To better understand this, let’s look at the brain as having three main layers, each responsible for different kinds of behaviour:
The Survival Brain (Reptilian Brain)
The Feeling Brain (Limbic System)
The Thinking Brain (Prefrontal Cortex)
There’s a fantastic analogy first coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, and it’s all about thinking of the brain like a two-storey house. I’ll share more about this shortly, but first, let’s explore the 3 layers first:
The Survival Brain (Reptilian Brain) is located in the brainstem, which is the oldest part of the brain. The job of the survival brain is to keep you alive as it controls heartbeat, breathing and reflexes. Essentially, when kids feel unsafe, this part takes over.
That’s why our kids might fight (hit, scream), flee (run away), or freeze (shut down). For example, your toddler throws a toy, you yell, and suddenly they lash out and hit you. That’s not logical thinking, that’s survival brain saying “danger.”
The Feeling Brain (Limbic System) is located in the middle of the brain. Its job is to process emotions and drive attachment (connection to caregivers). This part is very powerful and fully online from birth. It’s why kids experience big, intense feelings such as joy, fear, anger, and sadness; however, as we all too well know, they don’t yet know how to manage them. For example, your child screams, “I hate you!” when you say no to sweets. That’s pure feeling brain talking, not a thoughtful reflection of how they actually feel about you.
The Thinking Brain (Prefrontal Cortex) is located at the front of the brain, right behind the forehead. It’s responsible for self-control, logic, empathy, planning, and problem-solving. Here’s the kicker: this part of the brain isn’t fully developed until we’re in our mid-20s. For young kids, it’s like a Wi-Fi signal that keeps dropping out. Sometimes it connects. Often, it doesn’t. For example, you tell your 6-year-old it’s bedtime, and they scream like it’s the end of the world. You think, “Why can’t they just calm down?” The truth: they literally don’t have the brain wiring to regulate themselves yet.
I know what you’re thinking, “This is all great stuff, Tom, but so what?! Understanding these layers doesn’t make parenting during these moments any easier!”
So, how does this help you? Well, let me jump back to Dr. Dan Siegel’s analogy of the two-storey house. Picture the brain as a two-storey house, with an upstairs and a downstairs:
Downstairs brain - survival + emotions (reactive, impulsive, loud).
Upstairs brain - reasoning + empathy (calm, logical, problem-solving).
When kids “flip their lid”, the downstairs brain locks the upstairs brain out. No matter how much you lecture or punish in that moment, they simply cannot access logic.
When children are calm and regulated, the “stairs” are open; therefore, the upstairs and downstairs communicate. You can explain things, and they can actually take it in. But when a child is overwhelmed, the stairs slam shut, and the downstairs brain takes over. Logic, empathy, and learning are literally locked out. That’s why reasoning with a child mid-tantrum rarely works.
The goal for parents isn’t to yell them back upstairs. It’s to help them feel safe enough that the stairs reopen. Once their thinking brain is back online, then you can talk, teach, and set limits that actually stick.
Let’s walk through a typical scenario. Your child becomes overwhelmed and lashes out. You lose it and yell. Things escalate, and you threaten your child and yell even more.
Your child can’t calm down, and it feels like they aren’t listening. I’m guessing that things probably escalate even more because they aren’t listening, you probably yell even more, and things become even more intense. And the cycle continues.
But what’s really going on here?
Your child’s survival brain says, “I’m in danger.”
Their stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline) flood the body.
Their thinking brain shuts down.
Learning, empathy, and memory are temporarily offline.
A harsh response from a parent in these moments might stop the behaviour, but nothing positive is learned.
Your child isn’t thinking, “I should share next time” or “Oh! Throwing the toy isn’t a good idea when I’m frustrated”. They’re thinking, “I need to protect myself from Mum/Dad’s anger”.
So, during these challenging moments, instead of thinking, “They’re being defiant on purpose,” you realise, “Their emotional or survival brain has taken over, and their thinking brain is offline.”
That means no amount of yelling, lecturing, or punishing will work because they physically can’t access logic in that state. When you know this, you stop taking their behaviour so personally, and you start responding with calm and connection instead of control.
It’s not about letting them “get away with it”; it’s about teaching them when their brain is ready to learn!
So, next time you’re faced with a difficult moment and you feel like yelling is the answer, remember:
They need to feel safe enough to re-engage their thinking brain.
They need a parent who can co-regulate (stay calm so they can borrow my calm).
They need boundaries delivered firmly but kindly, so they learn what’s expected without losing connection.
Your child isn’t choosing chaos to wind you up. They’re reacting from the parts of the brain that are immature and still developing. Yelling doesn’t speed up that development; it stalls it. Connection, calm, and guidance are what help the brain wire for self-control over time.
The cost of harsh discipline
On the surface, harsh discipline looks effective. You yell, and your child stops. You threaten, they comply. You take away a toy, and they hand over the one they grabbed.
It’s tempting to think, “See? It works.”
But the truth is, what looks like success in the short term can have significant hidden costs in the long term.
As we’ve explored in the previous chapter, when a child is yelled at, shamed, or punished harshly, the brain reacts as if there’s a threat. The survival brain kicks in (fight, flight, freeze). The child may stop the behaviour to avoid more pain, but this isn’t learning. It’s fear.
For example, a 5-year-old grabs a sibling’s toy. The parent shouts,
“You’re so selfish! Go to your room!”
The child storms off crying. They didn’t learn to share. They learned:
“When I want something, I risk being yelled at. Next time, I’ll hide it better.”
Harsh discipline also damages self-esteem and increases aggression. Studies show that children who experience harsh discipline (yelling, hitting, shaming) are more likely to use aggression themselves. When kids are taught that power and force solve problems, they repeat that model with siblings, peers, and even teachers (Research by Gershoff (2013) found that corporal punishment predicted higher levels of antisocial behaviour, not less. The very behaviours parents are trying to stop often intensify).
And if we think of this harsh approach logically, it rarely focuses on behaviour and directly targets the child’s sense of self. For example, parents might say things like:
“You’re so naughty.”
“Why can’t you be good like your sister?”
“You always ruin everything.”
Over time, kids internalise these as truths:
“I’m bad. I’m unworthy. I’m a problem.”
A child who feels bad about themselves is not more motivated to behave well; they’re less motivated, because shame disconnects them from their own sense of worth.
What we know from developmental psychology is that children who grow up with consistent harsh discipline often become adults who struggle with boundaries, carry high levels of anxiety, have difficulty trusting authority or closeness in relationships, and rely on anger, avoidance, or people-pleasing as coping strategies
This isn’t about blaming parents of the past; they used the tools they had. However, as we learn more from neuroscience and child psychology, we can improve. Remember,
“Children are messengers. The way they respond to us shows us how we’ve taught them to be.”
Harsh discipline may look like it “works” in the moment, but it creates fear instead of understanding, aggression instead of empathy, and disconnection instead of trust.
The real goal of discipline isn’t short-term compliance. It’s long-term growth.
Head over to the next section, where I’m going to run through how we can put this into practice with some real-life examples. I’ll explore the alternative to harsh discipline and focus on why that approach is preferable in the long term.
I find that with a lot of parenting content online, it’s very high-level and superficial. Facts and science are great, but without specific examples, it’s hard to put the information into practice, so I hope you find the next section helpful.
The alternatives
This is the fun part, let’s explore a few real-life examples that I’m sure many of you are all too familiar with.
Example #1 - You’re at the shops after work. You’re tired, exhausted, the kids are hungry, and everyone just wants to get home. Then your 4-year-old spots the sweets by the cashier. They beg. You say no. They scream, kick, and throw themselves on the floor. Everyone is staring.
Route #1 - You snap - “Stop it right now! You’re embarrassing me. If you don’t get up this second, no TV tonight!”
Your child cries harder. People look on uncomfortably. You grab their arm and drag them out; both of you are struggling with your emotions. In the car, there’s silence. Your child feels humiliated, and you feel guilty.
Short-term result: The behaviour stops.
Long-term cost: Your child doesn’t learn how to manage disappointment; they just learn that big feelings = rejection.
Remember, in these moments when it feels like everyone is judging, the chances are the parents watching you are thinking “ah, I’ve been there”, or “oh, I’m glad it’s not just my child that behaves like that”. People have way more empathy than we realise.
Route #2 - You take a deep breath. You kneel, speak softly: “I know you really want those sweets. It’s hard to hear no. I won’t buy them today, but I’m here while you feel upset.”
Your child cries, but you stay calm. You hold their hand or place a gentle hand on their back. After a few minutes, their body relaxes. Once they’re calmer, you say: “Next time, let’s choose a snack together before we come in.”
Short-term result: The meltdown passes more slowly, but with less damage.
Long-term cost: The child learns that disappointment is survivable and emotions can be managed safely in a relationship with you.
Remember, your child doesn’t have to be happy about a boundary you’ve set. But by staying calm and working with them, you have a better chance of successfully de-escalating the situation, engaging with them, teaching them after the moment and moving forward without a huge cloud of guilt and animosity hanging over you.
In route 1, the child’s survival brain is triggered, and the “stairs” to the upstairs brain are locked. They don’t learn; they just shut down.
In route 2, your calm presence helps reopen the stairs. Once the thinking brain is back online, they can reflect, problem-solve, and learn for next time. You don’t have to fix the tantrum instantly. Your job is to be the safe anchor in the storm. The storm will pass, and your relationship will remain intact.
Example #2 - You’re cooking dinner, and suddenly you hear screaming from the living room. Your 6-year-old has snatched a toy from your 3-year-old. The younger one bursts into tears.
Route #1 - You storm in: “I’ve had enough of this! You’re always mean to your brother. Go to your room! No toys for the rest of the night!”. The 6-year-old yells back, “I hate him!” and slams their door. The 3-year-old is still sobbing, now scared too. You return to the kitchen, heart racing, feeling like you’ve lost control.
Short-term result: The fight stops, but both kids feel hurt and angry.
Long-term cost: The older child learns to resent the younger one (and you), while the younger learns their big sibling is “bad.” No one learns problem-solving or empathy.
Route #2 - You take a deep breath and kneel beside them, “I see two upset kids. It looks like you both wanted the toy. I won’t let you hurt each other. Let’s figure this out together”. You comfort the 3-year-old first, helping them calm down. Then you turn to the 6-year-old, “You wanted the toy. Next time, use your words: ‘Can I have a turn?’”. Together, you suggest a timer, “Let’s try five minutes each. I’ll set the clock”.
Short-term result: The noise continues for a little while, but the fighting shifts into turn-taking.
Long-term cost: Both kids learn language for conflict resolution, fairness, and empathy, while still feeling safe with you.
In route 1, the older child feels shamed and misunderstood. Their behaviour may stop, but resentment grows. In route 2, both children are guided to manage conflict with boundaries and empathy, building long-term skills instead of fear.
Using discipline in this way isn’t about getting it right every time; it’s about showing up differently, little by little. You will still lose your patience. Your child will still push your buttons. But each time you pause instead of yell, connect instead of punish, and repair instead of shame, you’re building something far greater than compliance. You’re building trust. And trust is what lasts long after the tantrums fade, the bedtime battles pass, and your children grow.
Remember: you don’t need to be a perfect parent... You just need to be a safe one. And I also want you to remember that parenting is all about progress, not perfection!
Your next steps: So, you’ve finished this post. Reading about respectful discipline is one thing; however, knowing what actually to say and do in those tough, emotional moments is another. Introducing the Discipline Without Damage Toolkit...
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Tom Piccirilli, Founder of The Dad Vibes