The Expectation Gap: Toddler Edition

When we work to close the gap, parenting becomes lighter, calmer, and much less personal...

Recently I’ve developed an obsession for the “expectation gap”, which is essentially the gap between the expectations we set for our kids, and what they’re developmentally capable of.

I was first exposed to The Expectation Gap when I stumbled on a study back in 2020, Zero To Three commissioned a 2016 study alongside the Bezos Foundation to explore parental expectations, and they found:

The majority of parents overestimate young children’s ability for self-control. They believe children start developing this ability as much as one to two years earlier than brain science indicates is possible.

“Having realistic expectations for a child’s ability is critical for supporting healthy development and minimizing stress for both parents and that child,”

“For example, if a parent thinks a child is capable of greater self-control than he actually is, it can lead to frustration for the parent and possibly more punitive – rather than supportive – responses.”

- Matthew Melmed, Executive Director, Zero To Three

And this research is reaffirmed through my own lived experience as a parent of 7 and a half years, and also when engaging with parents every day through The Dad Vibes.

The Expectation Gap is the space between what children are actually capable of (developmentally, neurologically, emotionally) and what we think they should be capable of. This gap is where so much of the yelling, shame, and “why won’t you just listen?” thinking comes from. When we work to close the gap, parenting doesn’t become easier overnight, but it becomes lighter, calmer, and much less personal.

This post is focused on toddlerhood, so from around 18 months through to 3 years old.

Toddlers are not small adults!

From the outside, when our little ones find their feet and start asserting their independence, from my perspective, that’s when our expectations of them skyrockets, and we expect way too much too soon.